Association: Nurturing till it Blooms

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. ­– Proverbs  

I stated in an earlier article that people are peculiar in their own right. Everyone of us is different and relate completely differently to situations that confront us. This brings to mind the fact that the ways we relate to different people must reflect their peculiarities. When you understand this you would see that the statement, “One man’s food is another’s poison,” comes to life.

Nonetheless, there are some principles that cut across the barrier of individual uniqueness. The first is that you should seek the good of your associate. Do not seek to harm or breakeven with hurt. Search out ways that would add positively to the person. If you would regularly seek the good of your associate, you can be sure to get the best out of the person – most of the time.

Second, maintain a positive mental attitude toward your associate. You will not be catering for your associate if your thoughts toward him are always negative. note that you will find what you look for so if you seek negatives from your associate you will find negatives. If you seek positives you will find them. This is so because we all have a good share of both.

Third is a principle I learned from Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It states that in times of sharp disagreements, go for a compromise. What this means is that if you want option A and your associate insists on option B do your best to get her to consider option C, in which none of you would ordinarily have wanted but that suits both of you to an extent.  

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Finally, always seek a win-win situation. Always consider ways that your associate will win while you also win. What this means is that you clearly understand your associates point of view enough to feel what they feel. You must, like the proverb says, “Be in your associates shoe.” Unless you get to that situation you will always try to be understood irrespective of if you understand your associate or not. A win-win can’t be achieved with such an attitude.

Associations: Building Your Inner Circle

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. ­– Proverbs  

 It seems natural to us to have great associations. “After all,” we say to ourselves, “I have had splendid friends all these years.” In truth, leaving your associations to chance is the biggest mistake you will ever make. This is so because although you can choose your associations you cannot choose the consequences of your choice.

It is important to note that not all unneeded association is necessarily evil, at least from a moral point of view. A medical doctor, for example, with the intention of being the best in his field should not have missionaries as the most important part of his inner circle. He should build an inner circle of like-minds. Missionaries aren’t a moral evil but may amount to career evil.

There are some factors that influence the building up of inner circle associations. The first is your association’s value system. It is very important you critically consider the values of the person coming into your circle. The person must share similar values as you. Your values are the cumulative of your ideas and beliefs. This includes every opinion you hold about life. If you open the way for folks with completely contrary values from you, it will set you up for failure.

Second you should build an inner circle of folks who believe in you and your dreams. The following cannot be overstated: Do not surround yourself with people that do not believe in you. If you overlook this you will certainly not attain your goals. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we would keep the people close so that we can prove them wrong but how many times have you seen that happen?

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Finally, and in sequel to the people who believe in you, your inner circle should be made up of people who would not let you rest until they see you attain your goal. Your inner circle associations must be people who would lose sleep for your dreams. Then – and only then – can you boldly say that you have met a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Associations: Types

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ­– C.G. Jung  

It is important to know the type of association you have with the people in your life. We are all peculiar in our own right and relate in as many different ways to our associations as there are the number of us. If associations will determine your future then you would agree with me that you must critically analyze the type of association you have with each person in your life. Before we go into the various forms of human associations, understand that associations are a two way reaction. It is often give and take.

The first form of association is a commensal association. It describes an association in which one party benefits while the other isn’t significantly benefited nor harmed. This association is best for mentor-protégé relationship. The mentor may not gain much but should not be harmed. If it isn't a mentor-protégé relationship it may turn out be a significant waste of time to always be with someone that gains from you whilst leaving you the same.

Then there is an association in which one party gains from the other and completely overshadows the second. This form of association occurs most often in some boss-employee relationships. The boss grows toward his goal, gaining from the employee, while giving back nothing to enhance the growth and development of the employee. A variant of this form of association can best be described with the biological term, parasitic. A parasitic person will gain from you but in return harm you. In essence it is what he gains from you that destroy you. Another variant of this when both parties involved in the relationship destroy each other. Drug addicts and the like find solace in this form or association. You don't want to be a part of any of this.

Finally, there is a symbiotic association in which the parties involved gain from each other for the lifetime of the association. On a level playing ground this is the ideal form of relationship for every type of growth and development desired. A symbiotic relationship can grow on for years, becoming stronger and stronger.

       Like I highlighted earlier, associations are always two way. As you look closely at your relationships you may be tempted to analyze them selfishly. I propose you consider them objectively because you may be the party taking from and not adding to it.

Associations, a Glimpse of Your Future

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ­– C.G. Jung  

A human being is a relational being. We are not designed to live isolated lives. For a person to develop appropriately he or she needs people. It may be possible to develop your gifts and talents in isolation but to develop character, which is in essence the real you, you must to be a part of a human community. 
        We are all peculiar. No other person is exactly like you. You have your interests and disinterests, likes and dislikes, good and not-so-good. If you are left on your own your peculiarities will tilt your life to the extreme on one direction. It is like our solar system. The sun pulls on the planets and the planets pull away while at the same time pulling on each other. This keeps them moving in the right orbit. So, other peculiar people bring balance and stability to your life.

By observation you see that, “Birds of a feather flock together,” stretches it's relevance to people. Do a careful assessment of your friends and close associations and you will be struck by the close character resemblance you share with them. It is important to know that your associations do not only reflect who you are but, to a large extent, determine the person you are becoming. So, if you want to predict your future, choose the type of friends you keep company with.

To decide your associations you must clearly understand where you want to end up. Your destination determines the type of company you keep and to what degree you keep them. Also, you need to evaluate your present and potential associations and determine correctly what sort of relationship they are.

In addition you will need to know how to severe from harmful association  while, at the same time, preserving the fabric of the persons dignity intact. Some associations may not need to be completely severed but rather redefined to a shallower dimension. Finally, you must know how to choose and define prospective associations in exact relation to the phase you are in your success journey.

I would, in the next few articles expound on each of these aspects of human association.